


Time Is Relative

by FriendofCarlotta



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (attempted), Babysitter Castiel, Established Relationship, Husband Bickering, M/M, Parents Claire Novak and Kaia Nieves, Post-Canon, Sexting, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, texting fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:22:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29661699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendofCarlotta/pseuds/FriendofCarlotta
Summary: Claire and Kaia are taking a night off from parenting their toddler. Castiel soon comes to regret his decision to volunteer as babysitter.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 42
Kudos: 91
Collections: Angel’s Supernatural favorites





	Time Is Relative

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is not at all ripped from the headlines of my life. *backs away*

**_10:30 a.m._ **

**Cas:** Human digestive functions are extremely distressing.

_**Dean:** Let me guess. Just changed a diaper?_

**Cas:** Before Claire and Kaia left, Kaia assured me that Rosie was unlikely to have a bowel movement today because she ‘already went.’

_**Dean:** How long did it take her to poop after they walked out the door?_

**Cas:** 2 minutes and 35 seconds.

_**Dean:** So what you’re saying is, the almighty angel of the lord can’t handle a little poop._

**Cas:** I’m hardly almighty. And I wish you wouldn’t make fun of me in my time of need.

_**Dean:** Cheer up, Cas. Only 23 hours till her moms come back._

**Cas:** I hate you.

_**Dean:** Love you too._

***

**_11:34 a.m._ **

**Cas:** I don't know if you knew this, but it’s possible for time to slow down based on subjective perception.

_**Dean:** Ok?_

**Cas:** It has been 11:34 a.m. for the past 15 minutes.

_**Dean:** When’s Rosie supposed to go down for her nap?_

**Cas:** At noon.

_**Dean:** Hang in there, sweetheart._

**Cas:** HOW CAN IT STILL BE 11:34??

***

 **_12:35 p.m._ **

**Cas:** She’s awake.

_**Dean:** Damn. She’s supposed to nap what, two hours?_

**Cas:** Yes.

_**Dean:** Did you try just leaving her in the crib for a minute? She might go back to sleep._

**Cas:** I already removed her from the crib. Can I put her back?

_**Dean:** You can try, but I doubt she’ll like that._

***

**_12:38 p.m._ **

**Cas:** I think my hearing has been compromised.

_**Dean:** She didn’t like it?_

**Cas:** No.

***

**_2:23 p.m._ **

**Cas:** What do people do with small children all day?

_**Dean:** I dunno. Go to the playground? What have you done so far?_

**Cas:** I wasn’t sure what she likes to do, so I’ve been telling her about the creation of the universe.

_**Dean:** Huh. How did that go?_

**Cas:** She liked the part about the big bang. She didn’t seem to care for the idea of supermassive black holes.

_**Dean:** I just want you to know that there are SO many jokes I could make right now but I’m choosing not to. Does that get me a blowjob when you come back?_

**Cas:** You don’t need to bribe me for sexual favors, Dean. I’m happy to provide them any time you ask.

_**Dean:** Dude, stop talking about sexual favors. You’re babysitting a toddler._

_**Dean:** And stop giving me a boner. I’m supposed to be interviewing a witness._

**Cas:** You started it.

_**Dean:** Just take the damn kid to the playground._

***

**_3:20 p.m._ **

_**Dean:** How did it go at the playground?_

**Cas:** I may have inadvertently given another parent the impression that I kidnapped Rosie. She threatened to call the police.

_**Dean:** How??_

**Cas:** With a cell phone.

_**Dean:** Not what I meant, Cas._

**Cas:** Oh. She assumed I was Rosie’s father, so I corrected her in that misconception. Once she realized I wasn’t related to Rosie in any capacity, she became alarmed. I was forced to modify her memory.

_**Dean:** Do you need me to come over there, man? I could call Jody. See if she can be backup for Sam on the case._

**Cas:** I’ve commanded the legions of Heaven, Dean. I think I can manage to keep a small human child alive by myself for 24 hours.

_**Dean:** Suit yourself._

***

**_6:05 p.m._ **

**Cas:** I served Rosie’s dinner on the wrong plate.

_**Dean:** What are you talking about? Don’t really see Claire and Kaia being the type for fancy dinner plates._

**Cas:** I was supposed to put it on the plate shaped like a tiger’s face. Instead, I put it on the plate shaped like a hippopotamus’s face. She became very angry and now she won’t eat her dinner at all.

_**Dean:** She’ll eat when she’s hungry. Sammy always would._

***

**_6:55 p.m._ **

**Cas:** She still hasn’t eaten anything. I’m supposed to give her a bath in five minutes. What do I do?

_**Dean:** Just give her whatever snack she wants to eat. On the tiger plate, or whatever. And don’t tell Claire. This is about survival, Cas._

***

**_7:02 p.m._ **

**Cas:** DEAN. SHE’S ASKING FOR HER DINNER.

_**Dean:** Great! Go back to feeding her that then._

**Cas:** I've already disposed of it. What do I do?!

_**Dean:** Put her in the bath and hope she forgets about it._

***

**_7:23 p.m._ **

**Cas:** Your advice was unsound. And now my clothes are wet.

_**Dean:** Can’t you just mojo them dry?_

**Cas:** That’s not the point.

***

**_8:05 p.m._ **

**Cas:** How many books are acceptable to read at bedtime?

_**Dean:** Dunno. Maybe two or three, if they’re short?_

**Cas:** Oh.

_**Dean:** How many did she make you read?_

**Cas:** She is busy picking out number 14.

_**Dean:** Cas? Put the toddler in her crib NOW._

***

 **_9:18 p.m._ **

**Cas:** She’s finally asleep.

_**Dean:** Nice work, Grandpa Cas._

**Cas:** I’m not her grandfather.

_**Dean:** Just embrace it, Cas. You’re a GILF._

**Cas:** I’ve Googled this acronym. Are you suggesting we have intercourse via text? If so, I’m amenable.

_**Dean:** Awesome. Just got to a motel. I’ll make Sam get his own room. Gimme 15?_

**Cas:** Ok.

***

**_9:37 p.m._ **

_**Dean:** Ok, Cas. I’m in my room, all spread out on the bed for you._

**Cas:** Are you naked?

_**Dean:** So naked. You?_

**Cas:** Also naked.

_**Dean:** Are you touching yourself?_

**Cas:** Yes. I’m stroking myself while I think about you.

_**Dean:** Yeah, Cas. Love thinking about that, baby. What would you do to me if I was there?_

**Cas:** I would kiss every single one of your freckles. I would penetrate you with my fingers and take you into my mouth until you orgasm.

_**Dean:** Jesus, Cas. Want that so bad. I’m so hard for you._

***

**_9:39 p.m._ **

_**Dean:** Cas?_

***

**_9:41 p.m._ **

_**Dean:** Seriously, man. Don’t leave me hangin here._

_**Dean:** Well, not so much hangin. Heh. See what I did there?_

_**Dean:** Cas?_

***

**_1:18 a.m._ **

**Cas:** Apologies, Dean. Rosie lost her pacifier and I had some trouble locating it.

 **Cas:** I eventually found it in her diaper, but she declined to let me leave, so I pretended to go to sleep on the floor next to the crib. I didn’t deem it safe to leave the room until just now.

 **Cas:** You’ve probably gone to sleep.

 **Cas:** Good night, Dean. I love you.

_***_

**_5:10 a.m._ **

**Cas:** How can one tiny human child contain this much urine?

***

**_7:17 a.m._ **

_**Dean:** Uh. Good morning to you too, sunshine. What’s with the urine talk?_

**Cas:** Rosie removed her pajamas and diaper some time during the night.

_**Dean:** Gotcha. Pee on the sheets._

**Cas:** And on no fewer than six stuffed animals.

***

**_8:40 a.m._ **

_**Dean:** She eat breakfast ok?_

**Cas:** Yes. Though I discovered that the tiger-shaped plate is no longer desirable.

_**Dean:** What plate does she like now?_

**Cas:** A dragon one.

_**Dean:** Makes sense. Dragons are freaking awesome._

_**Dean:** Well, not the real ones. The ones from stories._

**Cas:** I did try to explain to Rosie that the plate is an extremely inaccurate representation of dragon physiology.

_**Dean:** How did that go?_

**Cas:** She threw a spoon at me.

***

**_10:03 a.m._ **

**Cas:** Claire and Kaia are late. Why are they late?

_**Dean:** Traffic? Flat tire? Interdimensional portal?_

**Cas:** You’re not being helpful.

_**Dean:** Witch’s curse?_

**Cas:** Stop.

_**Dean:** Time loop?_

**Cas:** STOP.

_**Dean:** Alien abduction?_

**Cas:** I’m going to turn off my phone now.

***

**_11:25 a.m._ **

**Cas:** I’m going to start the drive back now. Will you be home when I get there?

_**Dean:** Yeah. Home and ready for sexual favors._

**Cas:** Claire and Kaia asked me to babysit again in two weeks.

_**Dean:** You said no, right?_

***

**_11:32 a.m._ **

_**Dean:** Cas?_

***

**_12:06 p.m._ **

**Cas:** I said yes.

_**Dean:** You’re such a pushover._

**Cas:** But you love me?

_**Dean:** Maybe. Where did we land on sexual favors?_

**Cas:** I wish I could, but I plan to spend the next two days sleeping.

_**Dean:** You don’t sleep._

**Cas:** I do now.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are life! If you enjoyed this, please leave me one, or hit that kudos button. I really appreciate hearing your thoughts :) . (If you really, REALLY enjoyed this, would you consider giving it a [reblog on tumblr](https://friendofcarlotta.tumblr.com/post/643945346550169600/time-is-relative-read-it-on-ao3-claire-and-kaia)?)
> 
> If you think you might like to read more of my writing in the future, you can subscribe to me on [my author page](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendofCarlotta/pseuds/FriendofCarlotta)!
> 
> Come yell at me on [tumblr](https://friendofcarlotta.tumblr.com)!


End file.
